What are you afraid of? Take a deep breath and then another one and check your shoulders. Are they up around your ears? Or are they down where they belong? Move your jaw, give your lower jaw a wiggle and tilt your head gently forward and back and then side to side. Walk in an arc, and breathe.
These are all calming signals and It’s OK to give yourself any calming signal you want. It’s how horses and humans self-soothe and return to the present.
Now, can we have a conversation about fear that doesn’t frighten us?
Why are we talking about this, well over the last 5 months I have been working with horse lovers and caregivers who are feeling fear, and are struggling with a growing anxiousness around their horses, which is having a detrimental effect on their relationship. So now you know you are not alone.
Fear is one of those emotions that we don't like looking at, nor addressing, it's something that we try to hide away, or put in a box and place it under the bed. We know it needs to be looked at and dealt with but we put it off. We try to convince ourselves that it doesn’t exist, but that false bravado doesn’t mean we won’t panic about it later.
Enough excuses?
The problem with fear is that it overwhelms us before we have a chance to think. How many times have you been startled by a movement, only to find out it’s a bird or a cat? We then take that fear with us everywhere even when we are with our horses, and somehow it magnifies.
If we can slow down that split second we notice something that makes us take a sharp inhale and take a breath before we panic about it, things look different. That’s the instant we learn something we didn’t know, and things can change in our favour. We become calmer with each breath.
Why not take a cue from the horse - horses in a field, will often move in an arc (I mentioned moving in an arc before), when something causes fear, or spooks them, just a few steps, then they turn to face what has made them fearful, snort and exhale loudly and then begin to breathe deeply once they realise that it is nothing to be worried about - and they let it go and go back to grazing. Humans don't let things go - and that is where the trouble starts.
I’ve had clients tell me that when they slow things right down to almost a standstill and observe, they realise they are not afraid of their horse. What an important distinction!
Clients have said that when they are in this fear, overwhelm mode, and speak to their trainer, coach, friends or even family, they are told to show the horse who is the boss, which becomes the voice they hear in their heads. After taking a deep breath, slowing right down, and connecting with their inner self, they discover that they are more afraid of the training methods, and showing the horse who is boss, than they are of horses, but they don't know what to do.
At this point I always suggest that the fear is an alarm going off, and it's your intuition telling you to stop. You should trust your intuition more. Fear-based thinking or training does not work any better on humans than it does on horses.
Some of us are afraid of criticism from our family or friends. We can’t make them change and trying to will make them defensive. We need to have horse friends because who else talks about horses enough? But we can certainly change how we hear our friends, and instead of focusing on the expected criticism, send back an affirmative response with a sense of humour - you see humour terrifies fear!
Most of us are afraid of getting hurt, but sometimes that fear is based on doing something that we know is dangerous. Those are totally reasonable concerns; see to your safety. Wear the helmet. Get a back protector. Your horse wouldn’t mind if you stopped doing the crazy-fast stuff entirely.
What I hear most from my clients is that they’re afraid they’ll harm their horse. I must exhale when I hear it. It’s my go-to calming signal for soothing horses and it works on me.
Remember … You are not cruel; you don't have a wicked heart; you don't have the intention to hurt your horse. Horses are not built or destroyed in a day. That’s the inner critic threatening you. Consider it good manners to tell the inner critic to sit down and shut up. Then allow yourself to simply get over yourself. Breathe, come to where your horse lives - in the present and take things slowly - remember everything is baby steps - awareness and observation is key, listening, truly listening without judgment or agenda is the 2nd key.
Are you anxious about being anxious? Maybe things have accumulated and you haven’t looked at it for a really long time. Maybe a bunch of worries like your horse’s random lameness, work issues, the cost of living issues, and general anxiety about the weather have all balled together.
Maybe you have been hoarding fear, anxiety, and insecurity, storing it away and now its become stifling and embarrassing, too. It isn’t a question of whether it’s real. It’s just been there so long that it feels normal, it feel likes its a way of life for you.
It’s taken up so much space that you’ve started to poison yourself with your anxious, negative self talk, but rather than deal with it moment by moment, day by day we make excuses saying it's a part of who I am.
Excuses be damned, there is never a fun time to do it, but fear is taking up space where you could be keeping your best ideas where they’re handy to dream about and set in motion.
Could it be as simple as a choice? I bet you are saying "No" right now. But a choice is how we begin to build a new habit. We choose to bring a small corner of fear into the light, and before we know it, we’re disarming fear, understanding that it can become a friend who gets us. Someone on our side.
The one thing people never tell me they’re afraid of is horses. We aren’t afraid of horses. Some will correct me and tell me they’re timid, but that’s just their common sense talking.
Ben Franklin quote: “Trouble knocked on the door, but hearing laughter hurried away.”
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