I was invited to a local primary school to talk about Mindfulness, anxiety, stress and how children in year 5 perceived these issues. As we started our discussion we took a quick look at happiness and what makes us happy?
One of the questions asked was - when you are happy, and having an experience that makes you smile, where you feel good inside and outside – where are you?
In the Past? In the Present? Or in the Future?
What about when you feel excited or content? Calm or Peaceful?
I am hoping right now you are saying you are in the present moment! Yes Chanti, I am in the present moment when I smile, feel calm, happy, content and all those great feelings.
The next question we looked at was - when you feel anxiety, worry, stress, fearful, sad, in a low mood – where are you then? In the past, the present or the future?
The children thought about it and answered they were either in the past or the future. They shared with me that when they felt that they can't do something, or something was upsetting them it was from something that happened in the past.
When they felt calm, confident, or happy, they were in the present.
And when they didn't know something or were worried about something that could happen…….. they were in the future.
Obvious I know – but very often we act and react from past experiences, and worry and stress about a future that is in the future.
As they chatted about things that had happened to them in the past, they shared that they were coming from how they felt not what actually happened. When they worried about the future - it was more about what could happen, which is different to what may happen.
Children are really insightful at times – sometimes their simple logic blows me away. One of the children spoke up about the future and they said that sometimes they listen to their parents who are worrying about the future, and he really wanted to tell them to stop worrying about the future because and I quote:-
“If you think about it the future never comes because it is always in the future and you don’t know what it will look like you can only guess.”
The teacher, teaching assistant and I all looked at each other as the rest of the class all nodded in agreement.
We 3 adults could all have sat there and tried to explain why adults worry about the future and living in the land of “I don’t know” and “What if”, and we allow our imagination to run riot as we imagine the worst possible outcomes for ourselves – we stop believing that the future could actually feel pretty good.
Yes we make plans, and prepare for the “oh sh—” factor and put things in place for “Just In case” but do we really need to believe that all those things and more are going to happen? That's our overthinking kicking in.
Perhaps we should simplify things as the children then suggested "Adults should put plans in place, and then get on with the present moment instead".
Another child said and again I quote “the way I see it is that the only thing that is ever going to happen is right now because the future never comes and what happened yesterday is over, it’s gone.”
Another said "Tomorrow is always tomorrow - it's never today, it's never right now."
Again simple I know – but it’s true. We cannot change the past and we cannot predict the future – the only thing we have for certain is right now – that is all there ever is – right now.
And yet so many of us unfortunately say I'll be happy when and then fill in the blank.
But it's always something in the future something that hasn't happened yet.
The problem with that is that that never comes.
Another child said “Does the past still exist because it’s gone and cannot be changed – it’s already happened”
And another says “what is left is a memory of the past – not the thing itself.”
Wow these children are so insightful don’t you think?
But we imagine it, we go over the past, ruminate on it trying to understand the reason why something happened, or even how it happened. We spend so much time overthinking and in the land of overwhelm that we forget the here and now.
Perhaps we believe that ruminating in this way will change our understanding, change what we perceive are the facts of the situation – but it doesn’t – we end up driving ourselves into anxiety and stress.
It’s the same when we worry about the future – all we do is become fearful about the future – the what ifs situations that we conjure up for ourselves.
But either way none of it is real.
Our perception of the past is driven by our emotions and our feelings about what happened – we actually forget the facts of what happened.
As many of you know I am a former lawyer and we have a saying – “There are 2 sides to every story and then there's the truth, the facts.”
Now as a lawyer my job was to weed out all the perceptions, stories, feelings, emotions and thoughts about a case, to get to the facts and truth of the matter. You see more often than not it is the stories we tell ourselves which we lose ourselves in, not the actual facts, and all those stories, feelings, emotions, perceptions etc distort the facts and make everything much bigger than it is, which we then fuel with our fears, believing that that is our reality.
Now I know I am simplifying this, but I am taking inspiration from the children I was with. What I will say is that I have supported veterans from the armed services who have gone through some terrifying situations, emergency personnel who have witnessed appalling situations and experiences.
The one thing that they have all shared with me is that they know that those situations happened and they cannot change that. Nothing they do will ever change what happened, what they experienced, nor the outcome, and they have accepted that.
What they are struggling with is giving themselves a choice of living in the right now where life actually happens.
For them, they realise that there is no such thing as tomorrow, and the past is gone, done and dusted with.
Life only exists today, but whilst we are all thinking about tomorrow do any of us actually KNOW when we will actually get there?
So next time you are in an emotional turmoil worrying about the future, trying to relive the past tell yourself to WOAH, and take a deep breath and remind yourself that this is not necessary - it's not helpful, it’s not going to move you forward or towards where you want to be – it’s only going to keep you stuck.
Instead choose to take your attention into the present moment which is all you have in reality and breathe. And remind yourself of the wisdom of the children above and breathe again.
I hope the wisdom from the children and from the armed services veterans and emergency service personnel that I have shared above – gives you a little nudge in the right direction.
If you are struggling with overwhelm, overthinking, anxiety and stress and want some support and start your journey to moving towards what you seek – get in touch.
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