When I look back to my childhood, teenage years, my 20s, 30s I realise that I spent most of that time being “tough” and “together”.
Actually I have to be completely honest, it was more like pretending to be tough and together and failing miserably.
As a child my parents used to repeatedly tell me I was too sensitive, too emotional too this, that and the other and I admit I really took it personally.
You see when people said I was sensitive it came across as a massive criticism, that they disapproved of me and who I was, it felt derogatory, it felt like I was failing or that there was something wrong with me. It never felt like a strength, or a power app.
I used to deny it and tried to act full of bravado, even though half the time I was scared to death, Oh and acts of strength, such as doing all the heavy lifting for my mum after my father left, including feats of endurance that when I look back I find myself wondering "how?" and "why". I was constantly trying to prove myself - but failing miserably. All this to prove that I was not an overly sensitive person - I was a person of strength! But who was I kidding? Myself.
Whenever the word "sensitive" or "emotional" was said my way I would feel angry. Looking back I realise that in my family dynamics being "sensitive" and "emotional" were seen as weaknesses, faults, something that had to be stamped out.
But when I tried to switch it off - I was told I was apathetic, did not think about other people's feelings and that other people and their emotions and feelings were more important than mine.
So I would switch my sensitive nature back on - and hey presto I was too sensitive and too emotional and too empathic.
No wonder my childhood and teenage years were spent feeling completely confused with repressed anger at my confusion. I also stopped valuing myself, value i was informed was earned by what I did for others - no matter what.
It took a long time for me to understand my sensitive nature, and to see it as a strength.
So there you have it, I am out of the closet and telling you all that I am sensitive and almost certainly highly so.
In fact I did not accept this side of me until I discovered healing with horses, animal reiki, and meditation with horses. Since then I’ve actually spent years honing my sensitivity which has really given my work with people and horses wings.
Now there’s no denying that being a full-blown out-of-the-closet sensitive is full of interesting twists and turns and if you are reading this I feel sure you relate. It's not always easy, in fact it often sucks and can be downright hard work.
And when it sucks that is when anger kicks in.
Anger is one of those emotions that most of us have no idea how to deal with! It is uncomfortable, and can be heart breaking in its volatility.
I was always taught very early on that anger was not to be expressed by children (parents that was different, as mine expressed their anger frequently and without responsibility for the outcome)but children were meant to be seen and not heard (remember that one) and were not to be angry, sensitive or hyper sensitive. Emotions were to be repressed come what may and anything else was considered bad behaviour and bad manners.
In my family much of my parents anger was directed towards me and on occasion my siblings. I often heard the phrases "if it wasn't for you," "if we didn't have children this wouldn't have happened", "If I wasn't doing this for you, this wouldn't have happened and I wouldn't be so angry with you?" You get the picture.
In those days emotional intelligence was not encouraged nor taught - so when the anger bomb went off - usually because it couldn't be repressed any longer - well something has to give! For me at times, all this sensitivity, emotions, and anger was completely overwhelming particularly as a child. Being on the receiving end of it from adults and parents, and having to repress my own feelings created a huge flee instinct. I had to run away from these feelings and from the situation that created them.
Don't worry a degree of emotional intelligence has crept into my life over the last 2 decades or more as I have worked hard to deal with my past, and understand who I am and what makes me tick.
But in those days repression was the name of that game, but there is always that time when it all gets too much so what do we do when it does?
First thing we need to accept that we, and everyone else carries oodles of of anger, usually hidden away in the dark recesses of the filing cabinet of our minds.
We also need to understand that at some point there will be a flash point, an explosion if you will when our minds and our bodies says enough is enough - this has got to be released!
The second is to understand what that repressed anger is doing to us in our bodies and spirits when it is not being dealt with, particularly if we continue to strive to repress it.
For years, the anger that stewed in me would occasionally come out like daggers. Being born under the star sign Sagittarius, people on the receiving end of my anger would say "you can tell you are a Sagittarrian because when you fire that arrow you really cause hurt".
But that was never my intention I was trying to express my hurt, but that wasn't allowed and so I would be shut down by that phrase as well as others.
I was told that expressing my anger would do harm to those that I felt were doing harm to me. I was not allowed to defend myself or justify why I felt this way even though all I wanted to do was express myself.
I was often told that to be on the receiving end of hurt from someone else - I must have done something to cause that! But that wasn't the case most times, you see I felt that no matter what I did I was in the wrong! A hard pill to swallow.
The confusion would then set in - how come everyone else could express their anger and their hurt but I could not. This for me became deteriorating and destructive.
What I discovered as I got older is that trying to express anger is not the same as communicating with it.
Communicating with anger means holding space for it rather than stuffing it, repressing, recycling the same stuff all over again.
In order to heal anger we need to feel it, to be with it, but not allow it to have control over us. We need to "parent" that angry part of ourselves, hold it close as you would an angry child, give it love and let the rage move to tears, relief, and then peace.
But that does not mean screaming in a loved one's face or deliberately going out there and hurting someone. It means finding a safe place to face it and release it.
Anger doesn't need to come up as a destructive, brutal force. Anger often means we cannot express ourselves fully, there is so much hurt locked inside, and we are not being heard, we are not getting the resolution we seek - so it comes out like an explosion.
This reminds me of when my sons were toddlers, and at primary school - sometimes they would get angry and they would explode (remember the terrible 2s). They did not have the words to express what was going on within themselves.
At times as an adult I have felt the same - something has hurt me deeply, there was no rhyme or reason for having that hurt inflicted onto me - and yet it hurt and I am angry - because there is no resolution nor acknowledgement of what that person has done or said and I am left with all these emotions and feelings, hurt and anger.
But what if that anger could be the path to freedom? What! What if that anger coming up could open the door to a new kind of peace and freedom?
There were times when I have been in the midst of stuff that life has thrown, nay hurled my way and I couldn't access my anger even though I knew it needed to come to the surface.
The desire to express myself was massive. One particularly painful incident, I felt, in that moment incredibly alone and in some way wrong and I had no idea why. It felt like the world had come crashing down, there was no support for me, no understanding, no compassion. I was at a loss as to why this situation happened, my legal brain (being a former lawyer) was triggered, I looked at "just the facts" to see how this situation could go so horribly wrong and how I was being blamed - but there was no answer - I had given a gift so how had this situation arose.
That day it was the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. I had to escape and flee the situation, so I got in my car and drove. As I drove away from my home, with the song Thunderstruck belting out loudly - the floodgates opened and then the screaming began. I screamed for a full half hour as I drove around, a scream from the depths of my soul, so full of rage and despair and heart break.
This brought about an internal shift and my perception about myself and others was forever changed in so many ways, including my personal boundaries, the amount of sh-- I was prepared to take before expressing myself, and how I invested in the relationships I had with people.
When we choose to hang on, hold a grudge, or make it about something or someone, anger festers and twists. It becomes blame, jealousy, resentment and vindictiveness.
These are the manifestations of suppression that we hang onto, when we fear treading the waters of our anger for longer than a second.
For many, getting comfy with experiencing and releasing our anger is considered dangerous and unpredictable, and yet, actually hanging onto it and repressing it means it oozes out into every part of our life which ironically is the real danger.
But there are so many personal lessons we can learn from our anger - positive lessons.
Over the years layers of anger, rage, and resentment, have released and what lies beyond that discomfort has been liberating.
What I found through this release is that now when i feel triggered I can look at the situation through an observational lens and be curious. What was that about? What was the button? And how do I move this stuff on?
It was my horses who got me there. Harvey in particular could read me like a book - he always knew when I was holding something in, holding something back, and he would help me release it in a more constructive and positive way - by expressing it, being with it, breathing through it as he opened that healing space for me to step inside and release. Without violence, without blame, without hurting anyone or anything. It was Harvey that showed me that stepping through anger there was calmness, patience, relaxation, personal growth and understanding.
I realised through Harvey's teachings, Animal Reiki and Mindful Meditation anger is just energy moving - that's it and when it comes up breath with it - go to your hara, your core and breath with it and through it until it releases.
Movement also helps, for me - hoovering - yep hoovering, that physical push/pulling the hoover seems to really work for me. It works and at the same time I am doing something constructive. That’s it. Afterwards I will be hot, sweaty, and yet calm, peaceful and I can feel myself within my body and I feel alive.
I confess I am a highly sensitive person and all that really means is that I feel. I feel deeply, fully. I am difficult to bullsh-- because I feel what you’re feeling, yes I am one of those people. I used to try to cover that up too to stop all that feeling. It felt like too much, way too intense and far too uncomfortable, but that feeling part of myself begged to be heard, to be understood and most of all to be accepted.
Now, I wouldn’t have it any other way. It means I feel myself in my skin exactly where I’m at in every moment and that is a good thing.
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