It's taken me a while to be able to sit down and write this blog post - you see I felt vulnerable sharing this with you - and I had to determine for myself whether being vulnerable was safe, and whether being safe was vulnerable.
So today I am going to be whole lot of vulnerable with you, and I am going to share something that I feel is really interesting.
I have had Horse Help in my understanding of when it is safe to be vulnerable and when it is not!
Yes it's true I admit it - I talk to my horses all the time - even those in spirit!
This is quite difficult to say to you as I know I could be completely judged, ridiculed, etc, but you know what I still feel safe sharing this today.
Now bear with me because I am getting to my point here. Sometimes it is not safe to share on a deep and vulnerable level - I know this because I have been in situations where I have shared with people I have deeply trusted, only to discover that sharing on this level was the wrong thing to do.
You see, some people and some situations are not worth our vulnerability. There again some people and some situations are - the hard part is learning which is which.
I could sit here and justify why my horses and I share something so much more than a simple animal-human relationship, I could include humourous episodes, research facts to quote to you, and argue with you in my defence. But I am not going to do any of that.
I'm going to celebrate the fact that I feel safe to be vulnerable right now and share something a little out of the ordinary - because there is really nothing to prove and it really doesn't matter if no one else gets it - or believes it other than me.
I know how I felt on the days that Harvey, and Nell, Buddy, Gandi and Bear have shown me how to be truly compassionate, how to show up for myself, how to be vulnerable, or not and how to show up for another.
I wept when Harvey showed me how safe it was to be vulnerable and yet stand in my own power with him, through hurt, struggle, and the unbearable intensity of grief.
I wept with relief when Nell showed me the way forward, one tiny step at a time, when I felt trapped, vulnerable and completely unsafe.
I laughed when Buddy reminded me that there is joy after loss and it was ok to smile even if I felt my heart was breaking.
I felt strong when Gandi showed me that I had hidden strengths that I had forgotten about and that it was ok to not know the way forward, and to just start by standing tall and taking a breath.
And Bear shows me that is it safe to be alone, to be confused, to take time out for myself, to acknowledge trapped emotions and feelings and to safely release them for healing.
All of these horses showed me how much they supports me in so many different ways.
I write this piece for each one of you because if something comes up for you, I can help you navigate it. It is entirely possible I have navigated the exact same road block myself.
Maybe I have created a safe space of vulnerability for you, through sharing a little of my own vulnerability.
I know that there are many horse people out there who would love to be a little bolder, and to share their own unconventional relationships - possibly with their horses.
The gift of authentic vulnerability is to give others permission to feel safe doing what previously felt impossible - to share your vulnerabilities.
Sharing my vulnerabilities as a child was never well-received and I struggled to express what I was actually experiencing, As a result my child self discovered that sharing my vulnerabilities was completely unsafe - they were often used against me. Unfortunately this didn't empower me, it made me feel unsafe, rejected, abandoned, trapped, with no escape.
Do I still fall into this trap? Yes I do, but only occasionally.
It's hard because you just want to be understood, you just want to be seen and accepted for who you are - warts and all. What happens is that people pull back, some people use your vulnerability against you, ridicule you, bully you, and at times lie about you.
The result, feeling hurt, unsafe, shutting down, feelings of rejection and abandonment, and major self criticism. This is also particularly hard when you hold a space for others, you care about to be safely vulnerable around you - but it's not safe for you to be vulnerable around them.
Perhaps you can relate? In these or similar circumstances it is not surprising that vulnerability equals a distinct lack of safety.
And it’s taken me awhile to find my way through when is being vulnerable safe and when is it not.
The first thing is to realise that our definition of vulnerability may need a little adjustment.
Vulnerable sharing requires a distinct and essential processing period prior to letting loose. and sharing.
It is vital to remember that the truth is often buried under a whole lot of knee-jerk reaction, and therefore takes time and a great deal of deep breathing to move through those levels to see a way through.
If your reactive-emotional brain or your survival brain are doing all the talking, you’re probably setting yourself and anyone else around you for a world of hurt and failure.
Before sharing your experience in a vulnerable way, you have got to allow the experience to move from your reactive, survival brains, through your ego self and into your heart self. This is about you allowing yourself time to smell the roses, to find your own solution to your perceived vulnerability and reality.
It also allows you to have time to breath and to share your vulnerability in a calm and centred way that provides a space for growth and solutions.
A great way to know if you’re really sharing vulnerably or not is to ask if you’re sharing in such a way that a solution is obvious and easy to find.
If not, you’re just dumping your negative feelings onto someone and calling it vulnerability, when in fact, it is just all the crap that is covering up what is really going on with your vulnerable self.
For example, if you’re not feeling supported by a friend or by the way they’re showing up for you, you need to come to a place where you can share what it is you actually need, what it would look like to be supported in a way that feels good for both of you.
This opens up a space for a positive conversation, growth in the relationship, and a clear path to change. What tends to happen though is a big mass of accusations, hurt feelings, volatile emotions and the potential end of a friendship with absolutely no solution in sight. It's something to think about.
You also need to be discerning about who you are being vulnerable with.
I know this for a fact because it has got me into trouble quite a few times, thank you very much. I was basically throwing myself under the bus each and every time. For example I would share an idea about something feeling vulnerable as I did so, because I so wanted to be supported on it and I would have it immediately crushed by that person, who either was not capable of holding space for me and my idea in the first place; so I would let the idea die.
Or they would crush my idea completely, leaving me feeling stupid, dismayed and unsafe, only to then take my idea and run with it for themselves! Yep that has happened.
So I am going to be very clear here, there are certain people who are worthy of your vulnerability and there are many who are not.
There are also levels that you can share something deep and there are levels. to which you go with that sharing.
Don't forget to pay close attention to your yes and no. We live in a world where we are actually encouraged to over-ride feelings of being unsafe. I know that I have been repeatedly told to “push through it” “feel the fear and do it anyway!” and "fake it til you make it" and so on. I bet you have too.
To be honest I am going call BS here because your feelings of being safe or unsafe and listening to them is an essential part of developing trust. I am going to say this again. Your feelings of being safe or unsafe and listening to them is an essential part of developing trust – trust of your body, trust of your environment, trust in your decisions and trust in your knowing.
Without that trust you are going to end up bypassing and deflecting and then you are going to have to deal with a lot of stuff later on.
Sometimes our fears are just excuses and we get a great big full body yes to move forward anyway.
It is essential that you allow yourself to pause and reflect when things are not feeling safe. When you hear your inner no - sit with it, and take a look at it - your inner no is trying to tell you something.
Not super connected to your yes and no? Most of us aren’t and that’s ok. It just indicates an opportunity to start the process of getting integrated in your body and letting yourself feel.
You might notice that some things feel unsafe at first so your first step is to trust that feeling and then tune into your body and work with your body, rather than against it. See what your body has to say to you. Eventually, your trust in yourself will grow and life will naturally feel way more free and full of possibilities.
You wouldn't think that safety and vulnerability go to together but they kind of do and somehow just work, if you are prepared to add a little pinch of trust.
Take care,
Chanti x
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